Mornings

Funny that my first post on here is not so different from the last post that's over two years old! I wrote this originally in my journal so I'd have a snapshot of my life at this time to look back on, but a friend encouraged me to share it. So, this blog that I have been meaning to resurrect is back. And who knows, maybe it won't take me two years to write the next post! 

I must admit, I was close to having our home life pretty together most of the time pre-baby #4.  I finally had worked out a laundry schedule that kept clothes clean and folded and even put away on a regular basis. Meals, though still not planned and written out weekly, were made and often prepared ahead of time. House tidied every night for sure and dishes always done at the end of the day. Homeschool rhythm was good. Three days a week – circle, story, craft/baking, hike/outdoor time. Two days a week – out of the house. Grocery day and library day and homeschool group day were consistent and same day every week. Visits with friends were regular.

There was some balance. But I knew, as parents do, that this would all change. I am sure we will find our groove once again. And order, in the way that I was getting close to having, may still be two years out. Minimum.

Here’s what my days look like now with a 3 week old in the mix with a 2, 4, and 6 year old, pretty much regardless of which day of the week it is:

7:00 Rob takes older kids down to make breakfast

I stay in bed and nurse baby who has been awake nursing on/off since 5am.

She poops.

I bring her down to change her in front of warm fire that Rob has just started

Nurse her again.

Set her in her baby chair to sleep.

Maevey comes by to give her ‘teeeeny kiss’

Wakes her up. Baby cries.

Burp her. Nurse her..

Rob brings me a cup of coffee that I gulp down.

Set baby down.

I get up to finally go pee since I have had to go since 5am.

Kid spills a drink. Cries. Needs more.

Rob is outside letting animals out.

I stop to help crying kid.

Other kid wants more this or that.

I say just a minute (but know that if I don’t help, they may help themselves and make bigger mess).

I help them. Apparently in the wrong way.  ‘But IIIIII wanted to put the honey on my oatmeal’

10 minute tantrum ensues

Seeing a chance to get away since he will be busy crying for a while, I head to bathroom now intending to pick up some clothes from the laundry bin of clean clothes on the way.

Dig quickly but can’t find anything. Clean shirts are upstairs. That will have to wait. The shirt will just be covered in breast milk and spit-up momentarily anyway.

While in bathroom, I see that I accidentally left clothes in washer all night.

Swear to self cause it may cause mold build up in our high maintenance (I  mean high efficiency) washer

Throw the clothes in dryer.

See that Nuala left her jammies and dirty undies on the floor along with little shredded pieces of tp all over and toilet not flushed.

Decide whether to reprimand her or just clean it up.

Come out of bathroom (still wearing jammies)

Find that Rob has since come in and dealt with tantruming four year old.

Baby is getting 'hugged' by Maeve and wakes up

Baby crying

I pick up baby and burp her and soothe her and put her back in chair.

Rob gets ready for work

Fire is about to go out, I set baby down and throw a log on

Phone rings. I think about getting it. Ha! I’d love to, but that will have to wait.

Kid spilled something again

I go to clean it up and find the floor all sticky

A kid tried to get and pour (and spill) apple cider all by himself.

Quickly throw a rag down to soak that mess up

Maeve tells me she pooped in her diaper. I change her and get her dressed for the day.

Baby crying again

Soothe baby and set her down

Walk away to get the breakfast Rob made for me an hour ago, now cold.

Baby cries harder, needs to nurse

Get baby and nurse her at table while I eat

Table a mess, floor disgusting

Kids now engaged in some morning play

Put baby down, head back to kitchen to get a much needed glass of water (should have probably already had two by now)

Kid in other room screams

All I hear is ‘markers!!! Maeve!!’

Abandon getting water and I head out to deal with that and hopefully prevent catastrophe (imagining the piles of clean and folded clothes on the table, including Rob’s good shirts covered in marker stains)

Not so bad, kid covered in marker but no other damage

I take markers from all kids

Screaming

I bargain that the tops have to go on when done and we only write on paper and art must stay at the small table (hahaha, yeah.)

Baby crying.

Maeve saw her chance to abandon markers and head to unsupervised baby

‘Just a teeeeeny kiss mommy!’

Baby awake.

Fire out.

I’m still thirsty for that glass of water. (remember the nursing books that talk about sitting calmy and so lovingly nursing and always having a full glass of water next to you. Hahaha!)

Kids declare they are hungry. Again.

And it’s not even 10am.

But it’s all exactly as it’s meant to be. 

Photography

"Life itself is a haphazard, untidy, messy affair."
— Dorothy Day

She is one of my heroes in this life. But I'll leave that post for another day. For now, I am working on capturing beauty through photography. Much of what I have so far falls more into the blurry category that the beauty one. I am learning to use a Nikon digital SLR and really have no clue what I am doing. Lots of guessing. Very little actually reading of the manual. First of all, it's boring. Second, who has time? So it's on the job training. Here I am trying to focus on the daffodil and blur the background.

 

Opposite results. Here I actually did it but have no idea how and can't seem to make it happen again!

So, some basic photography lessons are needed. Big time! I am now learning about aperture and shutter speed and most importantly how to use natural light. My goal is to learn to take pictures without the use of flash. If there happen to be amazing, professional quality photos on here in the near future (or year) I can assure you, it was pure accident! But over time, I do hope to find a way to have the camera capture the beauty my eyes can see. Now if only I could figure out how to change their size so they don't take 10 years to upload on the blog!

I leave you now with the some of the haphazard, messy and untidy things that make up our beautiful little life.

He must have known they were going to lose to Louisville yesterday.

Yes, this looks so sweet, but she's actually coloring on the floor and he's about to color with marker all over his pants. 

This one is just sweet.

Pizza Dough - Take II

 If I can't dance... I don't want to be part of your revolution.

-Emma Goldman

There are so many things I would love to learn to do and strangely enough, the more difficult it is to accomplish even one new task in a day (due to very interested and 'helpful' toddlers), the more new things I want to learn. The scene when I am trying out these new endeavors is always hilarious mixed with a bit of impatience and a lot of chaos. Like when I decided I must have a cover for my sewing machine and must make it right before dinner. The energy is always bordering on spastic at that point (not just for the kids) but my better judgment was not functioning enough to consider that the timing might be less than perfect. So, being still very much a novice at sewing, I pulled out a few patterns, tried to make at least some sense out of the measurements and dove in. I laid my fabric out on the floor of our rather small home and started measuring. Now I am not one who enjoys working with numbers, but sewing is not a craft that likes estimates. Since I needed even more concentration, I had to borrow from my patience. Let's just say when I had the measuring tape and ruler just right and then Eamon thought it would be fun to ride his little bicycle across my ready to mark fabric, I was not able to find the same humor in it that he did. Of course that inspired big sis to see if she could use the fabric (that must have no purpose on the floor other than to be played with) as a sled for her little brother. Argh! "Smile Meg, it's cute" I unconvincingly tried to tell myself. I made it through that, somehow measured and cut the fabric, then as I was running it through the machine, Nuala wanted to help and in her creative little mind thought that if she pulled the fabric out (ie: away from and out of the machine) that she would be doing mommmy a great service. So, now I have a jammed machine, perhaps a broken needle, hungry kids, a completely trashed living room (ok, entire house) and no sewing machine cover. Well, I guess the beautiful uncovered machine my dear husband got me LAST Christmas will collect even more dust for a few more days. Or I could just throw a blanket on it. Yes, that's what I'll do. And make dinner.

Well, the machine did get it's cover. Not perfect (or even hemmed at the bottom yet) but still it's done and I like it.

Despite all this, my interest in learning and trying new things has not waned. What I am finding though, is that my patience is (slooowly) increasing. Usually I get a little stressed when trying something new (who wants to put time and energy and materials or ingredients into something that turns out sucky?) I focus a little too much on having an end result that looks like I have been doing this all my life (like at my second guitar lesson when I asked my teacher if I was ready to learn to play some Dave Matthews songs. He smiled kindly and just said, 'let's work on learning a chord or two first.")

Lately, I am working on getting to that pro level in 10-20 YEARS instead of minutes. Why let stress get in the way of trying a new craft? And now that life is even more full than ever before, and getting to be an expert at something is going to take many, many attempts due to many, many foiled plans ("mommy, come quick, Eamon just pooped all over the floor and now he's trying to step in it!") I guess I just realized that there is no better time to start. Crazy, I know. And it's very important to view failed results as successful attempts. I don't want my kids think that trying new things means mommy goes crazy and yells at us! I want them to see life as one big long learning process. And a fun one!

So, I made some pizza dough yesterday. I thought it sucked. The yeast was old. The dough barely rose. It was stiff. BUT, my kids loved it, and my husband did too. He even made yummy fried dough with powdered sugar with the leftover dough this morning. I am at it again today. Much more relaxed and even enjoying the process. I even managed to do it while both kids 'helped' on our one-tiny-counter kitchen.

 

Today, the dough looks better and I am more confident. Maybe it won't be perfect, but it will be made with love and acceptance. THAT is the goal. Unless I am able to try new things in the spirit of love and acceptance, then I really should wait. Who needs mommy all stressed and grumpy? Surely not mommy! And if this dough isn't just right, there's always tomorrow. Though by then I will probably be in over my head in some new and brilliant plan!

Do-over

"In separateness lies the world's great misery; in compassion lies the world's true strength"

-Budda

Yesterday was one of those days. Anger was stronger than joy. Impatience more insistent than acceptance. Frustration more apparent than calm and presence. It's funny how in those times, for me at least, it seems like those emotions have an impossibly tight grip on me. And even more, I find myself rebelling against what I most need - to take a deep breath and begin again. I was stuck in what my mother used to lovingly call 'pity-parties!' 

It's in those times when I most need to have a 'do-over.' Even if we have to do it five times a day! Just stop everything, and start again. Let go of the things that build up over the course of the day. The little things that toddlers are such persistent experts at, like whining for something over and over and over or deciding that it would be fun to do the opposite of everything asked, or testing the gravity of everything on their high chair tray. You know. Those things add up.

So last night, after a a day in which I was not the kind of mama I would like to be, I just said, "let's have a do-over." So I got out the trampoline and we all went from grimacing to grinning, separate to together. Though anger can be quite contagious, compassion is much stronger and more healing and so much more liberating. It is amazing how forgiving little people can be. Instantly, they are willing to forgive and love and let their joy pour out. What a gift!

"It all goes by so fast."

As a mom with young children, this is something I've probably heard everyday since I have been pregnant with my first. Mostly from other moms with teens or grandmas. Often men would say it too. I would smile and nod knowingly when someone would say, "Enjoy it now. You'll blink your eyes and they'll be in college."

But in the midst of the everyday moments that seem so mundane, those sentiments often feel foreign. With small children, I am so immersed in the right now that kids in college (or even having kids weaned from breastfeeding) seems light years away. I know it all happens, when the needs are so high and my hands are so few, I can lose perspective.

What I don't want to do is wish away these times. If what countless people have said with such fond recognition in their eyes is true, then what am I doing to treasure these times? I am hoping this blog is a beginning. A way to keep my eyes focused on the beauty, the sacredness, the 'right now' of our days. There are moments when it does hit me that this is such a quick blip on the screen, and in those times I can see that I (we) are only entrusted with these little lives for a very short time. I want it to be a conscious time. A time when I can see them for much more than their present behavior. They need me to see past the trying toddler times and see who they are now and who they are becoming.

Obviously rest helps. Balance too. Times away so that we can be refreshed when we come back together. But even when those things are hard to come by (and they can be with little ones at home) I'd like to find a way to stand back and see the bigger picture.

I hope to use quotes from people I greatly admire in some or most of my posts as a launching pad to help me see the bigger picture. And to tie the bigger picture of societal peacemaking into the day to day of peacemaking in our family.

Putting it all together

The bookshelves in our home our filled with books by amazing activists and visionaries. They have been read many times over but in the last few years have mostly just sat there collecting dust, seemingly unrelated to my present moment as a mother of small children. Because my days are filled with much more mundane tasks, I have begun to ask myself the questions: "Am I no longer that same activist seeking peace and justice? Am I 'just a mom' (such a terrible phrase!) immersed in parenting duties? Is all this just a long push of the pause button until I can resume my place at rallies, meetings, lobbying events? Or is all of this a crucial part of it?" The simple focus of that lens could change everything. For the better.

Time to let go of guilt for not being able to tune in each day to 'Democracy Now,' or not being able to respond to all the emails pouring in from amazing organizations wanting me to write letters, call congress or visit my local politicians, or not being able to attend committee meetings.

Right now, I am home. Home with small children. (As they grow, we will all be writing letters and attending peace marches and doing service work on a more regular basis. And certainly we are still going to do some of that now, just not as much as I thought we would be doing). But right now, I am spending my days getting to know and guiding the little people in my life. I am making peace each day - with myself, my children, my husband, my life at this moment.

All those books and classes and life lessons and jobs and relationships and campaigns and experiences are not lost. And not 'on hold'. The past and present are all part of what I would like to call my 'compost.' Right now, I am compost! Transforming into something new with no clear idea of where it is taking me or what will grow in the garden. So this blog is the 'work' of tending to compost. You can just let it sit there, but it really prefers to be shaken up, given the right mix of browns and greens, some warmth and moisture but not too much. To become black gold, it needs the right combination of doing its own thing...with a little help.

A few times a week, I will come here to tend the compost. I hope to begin to connect the dots. If peace really does begin at home, this is one woman's journey of discovering and sharing how that happens.